Slamming is back | Simply Ranked
Plus: so is Ishod, #PaidAds, Oscar betting lines and more.
The definitive weekly ranking and analysis of all the skateboarding and other online things that I cannot stop consuming and how they make me feel, personally.
A welcome reminder of what we already know
Rank: 1
Mood: 🙏🙏🙏
Ishod Wair is one of the best professional skateboarders that we’ve been lucky enough to witness ply their trade. Every couple of years, as a treat, we get a refresher in the form of a new video part. REAL presents Ishod is the latest; a three-song, ten-minute ode to the casual, oozing style of a skateboarder who is fully in control. Of their board, career, life—of everything but their dinner.
#PaidAd
Rank: 1*
Mood: 🌴🌞
Whenever a professional skateboarder (or public-facing professional person in general) makes a sponsored post on their social media, it brings about a complicated set of feelings. In a career with such limited and unpredictable windows for success and money-making opportunities, it should be understandable that one would take the bag when it’s held out to them. How many times will that hand be outstretched?
But then there’s how the audience member feels, those of us watching a person parlay their brands into these bag-grabbing moments. Agog for new content from talents we’ve come to know and admire, only to have said talents couched in an unfortunate paid advertisement and hashtag marketing campaign for chewing gum or various meat sandwiches, feels like a minor betrayal. Nonsense grievances caused by the unsatisfactory changing of an industry.
But the world’s changed, too. So maybe we should adjust our expectations and just relax—and what better way is there to take it easy than going on vacation. Check out Expedia.com today to book flights, accommodations, car rentals and more. Your next best holiday is just a few clicks away.
The slam section
Rank: 2
Mood: 🤕
It was never for me, the slam section. Zero’s Misled Youth introduced me to the concept, a relatively mild and artful pain-oriented edit compared to the ravagings of others. But just seeing Wade Burkitt slide his face across the pavement was enough for me to know—eh, I’m good on that. This is not to say I don’t enjoy watching a good slam here and there. The mini hero's journey of seeing a skater get bodied, rise and land a trick is an integral part of skateboarding itself. But concussions, broken bones and sundry gore does not personally help to get one hyped.
And for many years, the slam section had fallen out of fashion, perhaps seen as an antiquated time-filler that distracted more than entertained. Then last week, Shake Junt and Hijinx Net released “SHRIMP BLUNT,” a project that saw Beagle ascend to the height of his powers as an editor, skater and in-bubble icon. Within his opus, a twist: a slam section. Set to thrashing guitars and full of quick cuts of skaters puking, bailing, bleeding, boards hitting the camera, cats being cute, streetfights and more, it’s the quintessential melange of chaos that a slam section brings. However, it feels different in the hands of Beagle. Of course, the brutality is there, but there’s an energy to it. It’s watchable for the wary, in addition to what feels like the implied in-joke of it being in a Shake Junt video. But what’s most surprising? Theotis Beasley appears to eat the most shit of all.
Slam context, please
Rank: nooooooooo
Mood: 🩸🩲
Last week also saw the return of Thrasher’s “Am Scramble,” an annual road trip featuring skateboarding’s brightest amateur prospects that culminate in a video full of wild on-board stunts and any number of the participating skaters turning pro. One of the more shocking moments of the edit wasn’t tricks like 15-year-old Daiki Ikeda’s 17-stair hardflip, but a split-second piece of b-roll showing Jhancarlos Gonzalez pulling down his pants to reveal underwear soaked in blood.
How? Why? Is he okay? In the “Meet the Scramblers” promo released earlier in the week, there is a mention of Gonzalez “bleeding out his ass,” a grim teaser if there ever was one. In a follow-up interview, Gonzalez said the injury happened after doing the splits. “I realized it was serious when I got to the shower at the hotel and saw that my boxers were full of blood. Then I sent a message to the group text that I needed to see a doctor.” A solid self-diagnosis.
While clearly none of our business, the question remains for us morbid and intrusive: what the hell did he do to cause such significant blood loss? That region of the human body is the home of many tender parts to tear.
Oscar betting lines
Rank: 94
Mood: 🏆🛹🏄♂️🏂🏆
(+500) Tony Hawk, Kelly Slater and Shaun White all present the same award.
(+550) The word “board” is used in the setup or punchline to one of the trio’s intro jokes.
(+300) The trio mention something along the lines of “knowing what it takes to bring home the gold.”
(+250) Shaun White will have his dress shirt unbuttoned uncomfortably low.
(-1000) Someone explains why in the fuck The Green Knight didn’t get nominated for fucking anything.
Something to consider: Max Read wonders, What were the 2000s?
Good things: Ryan Lay, a perpetual good thing.
Until next week… go for a walk in a part of town you don’t usually go to.
